New lyrics- need feedback

[toomuch2say87]

*********** Edit************
I recorded a version with me on guitar, piano, and vocals. There are some pops and watnot- mainly 2:26 and 3:44 ( i think), and some times when i breathed into the mic that i couldnt get rid of .
Andrew Zakim- Smothered(AcousticandPiano) (http://www.beaconschool.org/~damodeo/AndrewZakim-Smothered(AcousticandPiano).mp3)
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this is a new set of lyrics called smothered. one line IS a lift from Typical situation, although changed a bit...if Dave could do it for Crush from Willie Nelson, who says I can't do it from Dave. This is from a girls point of view--after a conversation I had with her about her bf.


Smothered by Andrew Zakim

I’m backed into a corner of the wall
No room to breathe, breathe at all
And I’ve spent so many nights
I’ve tried but I can’t sleep right
With you right here, right here

And I’ve tried so hard, but I just can’t find the words
I’m smothered
Yeah
Smothered

I’m seeing three corners from this wall
And I don’t feel, feel at all
And I don’t see anything but your face
It’s hard but I just need my space
And you’re here, right here

And I’ve tried so hard, but I just can’t find the words
I’m smothered
Yeah
Smothered


And my conscience chokes me and it’s hard to talk
I just can’t stand it when you’re near me when I walk

I’m smothered
Yeah Smothered


And my conscience chokes me and it’s hard to talk
I just can’t stand it when you’re near me when I walk
I can’t say it but it should have ended at the start
I just can’t leave you; I can’t break your heart

I’m smothered
Smothered by Andrew Zakim

[I, Brian]

I actually like it. Just reading them I can hear the vocal melodies and an acoustic set.

[darbini]

I like it as well except for the word "smothered", it just doesn't work. But everything is differnt when put to music. I like the lyrical rhythm of the verses but then it's just like "I'm smothered, yeah, smothered". Who knows.

[toomuch2say87]

i'm gonna record an acoustic verson now and post it up