First time Lyrics- Looking for opinions

[Jimp210]

Hey, It's actually the third set of lyrics, but even I could tell my first ones were junk. This is my first time trying to parallel a metaphor with them. I'm a good writer generally, but I think song lyrics is a whole new animal. I'm buying a Martin tommorow, and me and my girlfriend are going through a pretty messy breakup. So I was just trying to parallel the two. Any criticism is welcome. If the lyrics suck, let me know. If they aren't so bad for a start, let me know that too. Suggestions also welcome. Oh and the Chords are fingerpicked throughout. It goes:

Cadd9, then throw on a pinky-D in the C chord shape- Cadd9, Pinky- G
Chorus: C-Em-C-G x 2

(I know it sounds basic as hell, but the fingerpicking actually makes it sound good. Tough to sing at the same time)

Lyrics:

I bought myself a Gui-tar.
And I played it for the first time.
Oh, I did not know how to use it.
But I knew I'd be just fine.

So I broke my first string.
And I made my first dent.
I didn't know how to fix it.
But I knew we were meant.

Chorus:
Oh the guitar is not quite that.
It's not a guitar at all.
That guitar is my Ex-girlfriend.
She's the one I want to call.

So I finally figured it out.
But it turns out I was wrong.
My and my guitar parted ways.
That's why I'm writing this song.

Oh I bought a new Gui-tar.
It really plays quite well.
But it's not quite my old one.
The one I miss like hell.

Chorus:
Oh the guitar is not quite that.
It's not a guitar at all.
That guitar is my ex-girlfriend.
She's the one I want to call.
She's the one I want to call...

[dmbdmbdmbdmb]

are you serious?

[tdowe99]

Hmm, when writing metaphorically, you shouldn't blurt out the metaphor in the chorus.

[unccrombie]

honestly, i didnt like it. have you ever tried poetry/descriptive writing? seems very 6th grade to me

[darbini]

From this:

I bought myself a Gui-tar.
And I played it for the first time.
Oh, I did not know how to use it.
But I knew I'd be just fine.

To this:

I brought myself this far
And now I want to enjoy my first time
Don't know how anyone could refuse it
For 40 dollars she'll be mine

[d+ter]

Originally Posted by darbini

From this:

I bought myself a Gui-tar.
And I played it for the first time.
Oh, I did not know how to use it.
But I knew I'd be just fine.

To this:

I brought myself this far
And now I want to enjoy my first time
Don't know how anyone could refuse it
For 40 dollars she'll be mine

that was good. real good. thank you for that.

[rh41]

Originally Posted by Jimp210

If the lyrics suck, let me know.

I personally don't like the lyrics at all. They sound childish. The chorus needs revising.

[Jimp210]

Thanks for the feedback, now at least I can verify they suck.... And like I said, I'm a very good writer. However, I absolutely blow at writing lyrics. I'm awful at putting shit together. I mean, If I were to write something, and then have someone else change it into a song format, I think i'd be much better off. I'm trying to do it myself, though. So it's worth a shot.

[unccrombie]

Originally Posted by Jimp210

Thanks for the feedback, now at least I can verify they suck.... And like I said, I'm a very good writer. However, I absolutely blow at writing lyrics. I'm awful at putting shit together. I mean, If I were to write something, and then have someone else change it into a song format, I think i'd be much better off. I'm trying to do it myself, though. So it's worth a shot.

dont be in the mind frame that you're writing lyrics to a song. you say you're a good writer so don't force it. lie in bed and when something comes to you write it down. write some poetry. read a dictionary (word use, yes i do it sometimes ). focus on descriptive language and use some similies

[d+ter]

Originally Posted by unccrombie

dont be in the mind frame that you're writing lyrics to a song. you say you're a good writer so don't force it. lie in bed and when something comes to you write it down. write some poetry. read a dictionary (word use, yes i do it sometimes ). focus on descriptive language and use some similies

i can second all that advice. i took a creative writing class this semester and consider myself a "good writer" as well. however the creative writing class really pushed my limits. in a good way.

my biggest suggestion would be to reiterate not forcing. let it come. so to speak.

[Arby]

They dont completely suck, but tdowe is very right; when writing in a metaphor, you dont explain the metaphor.

[unccrombie]

take a nap outside in the summer, i wont begin to tell you how many things ive written that way