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Old 10-29-2008, 12:55 PM   #91
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Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

A duck walks into a grocery store, walks up to a clerk and asks "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back to the same store and walks up to the same clerk. "Got any grapes?" he says. The clerk looks puzzled and says "No, I just told you that yesterday." The duck leaves, but comes back again the next day. He walks up to the exact same clerk again and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk, very annoyed and at his limit with the duck yells "No, we don't have any grapes, and if you come back here one more time and ask me for grapes, I'm gonna nail your stupid little webbed feet to the floor!!!". The duck turns around and leaves. The next day the duck comes back to the same store and the same clerk and says "Got any nails?" The clerk says no, so the duck says "Got any grapes?"
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You are the John McClane of teh Interwebz, cuz you killed it just now.
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  • Old 10-29-2008, 03:01 PM   #92
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bafugama View Post
    A guy goes to see a psychatrist because he's having nightmares. He says "Doc, I just don't understand it, one night I dream I'm a tee pee, and the next I'm a wigwam!" "I know what your problem is," The doctor says "You're two tents!"

    (Greatest joke in the world)
    A guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "Doc, I've been having that nightmare again."

    The Doc says, "Ah, yes, the one where you're really interested in sadism, necrophilia, and equestrianism?"

    The guy says, "Right... Again... Is it just me, or am I beating a dead horse?"

    Dan
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    Old 10-29-2008, 03:02 PM   #93
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?

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    Dan
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    Old 10-29-2008, 03:16 PM   #94
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by justinandimcool View Post
    What do you call a fish without an eye?

    Click the "Show Spoiler" Button to reveal hidden text.
    what do u call a fish with ten eyes?
    Click the "Show Spoiler" Button to reveal hidden text.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 03:18 PM   #95
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    What did the skeleton ask for at the bar?

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    Old 10-29-2008, 04:59 PM   #96
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tankdan View Post
    A guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "Doc, I've been having that nightmare again."

    The Doc says, "Ah, yes, the one where you're really interested in sadism, necrophilia, and equestrianism?"

    The guy says, "Right... Again... Is it just me, or am I beating a dead horse?"

    Dan
    That's a good one.
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by efraser77 View Post
    You are the John McClane of teh Interwebz, cuz you killed it just now.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 05:03 PM   #97
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bafugama View Post
    A duck walks into a grocery store, walks up to a clerk and asks "Got any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back to the same store and walks up to the same clerk. "Got any grapes?" he says. The clerk looks puzzled and says "No, I just told you that yesterday." The duck leaves, but comes back again the next day. He walks up to the exact same clerk again and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk, very annoyed and at his limit with the duck yells "No, we don't have any grapes, and if you come back here one more time and ask me for grapes, I'm gonna nail your stupid little webbed feet to the floor!!!". The duck turns around and leaves. The next day the duck comes back to the same store and the same clerk and says "Got any nails?" The clerk says no, so the duck says "Got any grapes?"
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    Something about power boosts with anal plugs didn't quite put it above Shawshank Redemption for me
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Route_2 View Post
    Both movies do have anal, though.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 05:15 PM   #98
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    What's green with wheels?

    Click the "Show Spoiler" Button to reveal hidden text.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 05:24 PM   #99
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    whatd the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

    DAM!
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    Old 10-29-2008, 06:42 PM   #100
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RobRoy286 View Post
    What's green with wheels?

    Click the "Show Spoiler" Button to reveal hidden text.
    This is why this is a better thread than the offensive joke thread.
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by efraser77 View Post
    You are the John McClane of teh Interwebz, cuz you killed it just now.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 09:06 PM   #101
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    What's black and white and read all over?




    The New York Times
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    Old 10-29-2008, 09:28 PM   #102
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Why did the plane crash?

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    Old 10-29-2008, 09:48 PM   #103
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rickyh24 View Post
    Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

    "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

    Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

    The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

    There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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    Old 10-29-2008, 09:57 PM   #104
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    I've just noticed...most clean jokes either suck, or are amazing examples of anti-humor.
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    Wrong.

    The plot is always moving forward.
    Quote:
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    So is a glacier.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 10:10 PM   #105
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    A wife asks her husband to go to the store to pick up escargot for her dinner party, which is in two hours. The husband leaves, decides to go for a quick beer first at the local bar, and gets caught up in the game on tv. 3 hours later, he realizes his blunder, races to the store, gets the escargot and races home. He goes into the house and hears his wife storming in from the other room. He quickly throws all the snails on the floor, and just as his wife bursts into the room he goes, "C'mon guys, almost there!"
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    Old 10-29-2008, 10:10 PM   #106
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Joe decided to take his friend Bob hunting one day, because Bob had never been. Joe drove Bob up to a sprawling piece of land owned by an old rancher who kindly let hunters shoot and keep whatever they want. The rancher's only rule was that the hunters stay away from the rancher's barn, which kept all the rancher's personal animals.

    Joe got out of the car, leaving Bob in the front seat. Joe went up to the rancher's door and did the usual greetings, "Hello, Rancher, I'm here with my friend Bob, and we're going to go hunting on your property."

    The rancher replied, "no problem, but can you do me a favor - when you get down there, will you shoot my old mule? He's really ill and doesn't have much time left, I'd like you to put him out of his misery."

    Joe didn't hesitate, "of course Rancher, I'd be happy to do that for you in exchange for you being so gracious to let us hunt on your land."

    As Joe walked back to the car, he decided to play a trick on Bob. He walked to the passenger side of the car where Bob was sitting and yelled, "Bob, you wouldn't believe it - that mean old rancher cussed me out when I asked if we could hunt! He told us to get the f*ck off his property. I want to get him back; wait here, I'm going down to the barn to shoot his mule, then we'll get the hell outta here."

    Joe, quietly laughing to himself, went down to the barn and shot the mule. He walked back up to the car, to get Bob and begin hunting. But Bob was nowhere to be found. Joe stood there for a minute, confused, until he saw Bob sprinting toward him from the other side of the barn. "Let's get the f*ck outta here," Bob yelled, "I just shot five of his cows!"
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    Old 10-29-2008, 10:19 PM   #107
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DavefaninNZ View Post
    A wife asks her husband to go to the store to pick up escargot for her dinner party, which is in two hours. The husband leaves, decides to go for a quick beer first at the local bar, and gets caught up in the game on tv. 3 hours later, he realizes his blunder, races to the store, gets the escargot and races home. He goes into the house and hears his wife storming in from the other room. He quickly throws all the snails on the floor, and just as his wife bursts into the room he goes, "C'mon guys, almost there!"
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    Old 10-29-2008, 10:23 PM   #108
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Nice!
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eggsrsweet View Post
    Wrong.

    The plot is always moving forward.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ExistenceNow View Post
    So is a glacier.
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    Old 10-29-2008, 10:36 PM   #109
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    So there's these 2 muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!" And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
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    Old 11-06-2008, 09:38 AM   #110
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Why did the shoes get mad at the photographer?









    He took their souls.
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    Oh, and also I'm glad you're not in Flint. Your life expectancy is inversely proportional to the amount of time you spend there.
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    Old 11-06-2008, 10:17 AM   #111
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brobb View Post
    So there's these 2 muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!" And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
    I think I've heard that one before, but it makes me laugh every time.
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    Both movies do have anal, though.
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    Old 11-06-2008, 10:34 AM   #112
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    these two fish are swimming in a stream when they hit a wall. one fo the fish says "damn".
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    Old 11-06-2008, 10:38 AM   #113
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mr. testaverde View Post
    whatd the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

    DAM!
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by herzag17 View Post
    these two fish are swimming in a stream when they hit a wall. one fo the fish says "damn".

    Joke fail.
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    Old 11-06-2008, 10:38 AM   #114
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Did I tell you went to a seafood disco last week?


    Click the "Show Spoiler" Button to reveal hidden text.
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    Old 11-06-2008, 06:14 PM   #115
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    why didn't the skeleton cross the road?


    he didn't have the guts!





    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    no eye dear (no idea!)


    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    Still no eye dear
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    Old 11-07-2008, 07:56 AM   #116
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    The squirell said to the bunny, "Did you get a hair cut?"

    The bunny said "Nope, I got a bunny cut."
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    Oh, and also I'm glad you're not in Flint. Your life expectancy is inversely proportional to the amount of time you spend there.
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    Old 11-07-2008, 08:02 AM   #117
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bothedmbfan View Post
    I've just noticed...most clean jokes either suck, or are amazing examples of anti-humor.
    heard that
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    Old 12-10-2008, 12:50 PM   #118
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

    Click the "Show Spoiler" Button to reveal hidden text.
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    MSG made it 83!

    Last edited by kev87lads; 12-10-2008 at 12:55 PM.
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    Old 12-10-2008, 12:55 PM   #119
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    Why don't mathematicians go to the beach?

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    Old 01-08-2009, 09:52 AM   #120
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    Re: Spinoff: Unoffensive Joke Thread

    A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
    The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
    The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
    When the couple finishes, the doctor says , 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

    The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

    The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

    She's married so we can't go to her house.

    I'm married and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges $98.

    The Hilton charges $139.

    We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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