Dating is miserable

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by lockman21

I guess. The thing that sucks is I know I still love her, and probably always will.

She was perfect for me in every way. Just bad timing I guess. I started overreacting to the littlest things as a way to protect myself, I guess. I was scared it would fail, and felt it would eventually, so I tried to justify it in my head for reasons to end it.

I still don't know if it was the complete right decision. I feel like it might have been the best long term, but I don't know for sure. I started to have panic attacks and have actually thrown up a couple times tonight from it.

Not to be a bitch, but eventually, you will realize that she wasn't perfect for you. If she was, it would have worked out.

After a breakup, I used to tell myself stupid bullshit like "he was so right for me...the timing was just off" or "We were perfect together, but just grew apart" or even "I think in the long run, this will be okay" to make myself feel better. It's total horseshit. Your defense is to make justifications over something not working and to hide the fact that deep down, you're pissed over wasting time on something that didn't end up working out.

If you guys were supposed to be together forever, you'd both want to do whatever it takes to make that happen, but you aren't. So, you both know deep down that you're NOT right for each other and it's NOT a timing thing. It's a you guys thing.

The first six months or so, it's going to suck. You're going to want to find out what she's up to or what she's doing...even the masochistic thing of if she's seeing someone new. That's normal....but keeping that information to a minimum is key. Taking her out of your life (phone, email, Facebook, etc) is the thing to do. Also, telling your friends that you have in common with her that you have no problem if they hang out, but you do NOT want them to give you updates is key. I usually have common friends with the guys I seriously date, so there's always a few that felt the need to update me on everything...and I always have to put a stop to it.

Also, go through your email and delete anything she has ever sent you so that you don't go back down memory lane in a drunk night, put on some Coldplay and re-read sappy shit she once sent you. That doesn't help, and it will feel good to purge all that crap from your life. It's tough to do this, but once you do, it'll be easier to move on.

[water_into_wine]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

no, not at all.

I can never tell if you are just going into complete "Sarcasm Katie Mode" or there is underlying anger at what I said.

Originally Posted by lockman21

P&R

and yeah, it's a bad attitude. It's one I used to have. Snake bit I guess. Just gotta get over the hump and portray confidence, life will be good.

I think I'm decent at portraying confidence, just not actually being confident.

Originally Posted by lockman21

I guess. The thing that sucks is I know I still love her, and probably always will.

She was perfect for me in every way. Just bad timing I guess. I started overreacting to the littlest things as a way to protect myself, I guess. I was scared it would fail, and felt it would eventually, so I tried to justify it in my head for reasons to end it.

I still don't know if it was the complete right decision. I feel like it might have been the best long term, but I don't know for sure. I started to have panic attacks and have actually thrown up a couple times tonight from it.

Sorry to hear man. But I gotta say that she wasn't perfect for you. Hell I don't think any two people can ever be "perfect" for each other.

[lockman21]

Maybe perfect was the wrong word, but incredibly right for me.

I don't know, maybe we'll still try and make this whole thing work, maybe we won't. I don't know if moving would have been an option which is why I broke this off in the first place. Maybe it would have, but I just got terrified of the idea of being left, so I was the one that left her. Dumb, I guess. I'm going over to her place later today to talk to her, so we'll see how it goes. I do love her, so we'll see.

If it doesn't work out, I'm going to do my absolute best to not think about it and not be the sad, mopey dope that just broke up with someone. It can only make life harder.

[wnderwoman]

I'm sorry Chris, no really good words except to just carry on. It will pass (I promise) even though it seems like it may not sometimes.

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by lockman21

Maybe perfect was the wrong word, but incredibly right for me.

I don't know, maybe we'll still try and make this whole thing work, maybe we won't. I don't know if moving would have been an option which is why I broke this off in the first place. Maybe it would have, but I just got terrified of the idea of being left, so I was the one that left her. Dumb, I guess. I'm going over to her place later today to talk to her, so we'll see how it goes. I do love her, so we'll see.

If it doesn't work out, I'm going to do my absolute best to not think about it and not be the sad, mopey dope that just broke up with someone. It can only make life harder.

Bolded:

Also, you're allowed to be down a bit about this, it's a big deal. Just know that everything will work out...also, what Angela said is correct.

[gonz085]

How long were you guys together Chris?

[lockman21]

Originally Posted by wnderwoman

I'm sorry Chris, no really good words except to just carry on. It will pass (I promise) even though it seems like it may not sometimes.

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

Bolded:

Also, you're allowed to be down a bit about this, it's a big deal. Just know that everything will work out...also, what Angela said is correct.

Thanks

I know I just need time, and I'll be able to live life normal again eventually. She always wanted to keep in contact if we ever broke up, and I've always taken the stance that if we break up, we're not going to keep in contact...at all.

As I said last night, I'm not 100% this is done for good. I just don't know. I love her and hell, maybe I'll decide I want to try and work on this and if it doesn't work out later then it doesn't...but we'll see what happens later today. If I walk out of there still single after our talk, then I will for sure cut off ties with her completely. Ignore her calls/texts/etc., already deactivated Facebook for the time being just so I have no contact with her or her friends/don't have to see what she's doing/don't have her seeing what I'm doing/don't have to look at pictures/etc.

[wnderwoman]

I would say no contact is probably the best idea. As long as you're done. It's best to be as definitive as possible, if you just keep talking it will just keep reopening the wound.

[mbuttercup7]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

Not to be a bitch, but eventually, you will realize that she wasn't perfect for you. If she was, it would have worked out.

After a breakup, I used to tell myself stupid bullshit like "he was so right for me...the timing was just off" or "We were perfect together, but just grew apart" or even "I think in the long run, this will be okay" to make myself feel better. It's total horseshit. Your defense is to make justifications over something not working and to hide the fact that deep down, you're pissed over wasting time on something that didn't end up working out.

If you guys were supposed to be together forever, you'd both want to do whatever it takes to make that happen, but you aren't. So, you both know deep down that you're NOT right for each other and it's NOT a timing thing. It's a you guys thing.

The first six months or so, it's going to suck. You're going to want to find out what she's up to or what she's doing...even the masochistic thing of if she's seeing someone new. That's normal....but keeping that information to a minimum is key. Taking her out of your life (phone, email, Facebook, etc) is the thing to do. Also, telling your friends that you have in common with her that you have no problem if they hang out, but you do NOT want them to give you updates is key. I usually have common friends with the guys I seriously date, so there's always a few that felt the need to update me on everything...and I always have to put a stop to it.

Also, go through your email and delete anything she has ever sent you so that you don't go back down memory lane in a drunk night, put on some Coldplay and re-read sappy shit she once sent you. That doesn't help, and it will feel good to purge all that crap from your life. It's tough to do this, but once you do, it'll be easier to move on.

A-freakin-men! I used to have this bad habit, even the Coldplay part. It was realllly hard to get rid of everything, but it does help.

Originally Posted by lockman21

Maybe perfect was the wrong word, but incredibly right for me.

I don't know, maybe we'll still try and make this whole thing work, maybe we won't. I don't know if moving would have been an option which is why I broke this off in the first place. Maybe it would have, but I just got terrified of the idea of being left, so I was the one that left her. Dumb, I guess. I'm going over to her place later today to talk to her, so we'll see how it goes. I do love her, so we'll see.

If it doesn't work out, I'm going to do my absolute best to not think about it and not be the sad, mopey dope that just broke up with someone. It can only make life harder.

Good luck.

[lockman21]

Originally Posted by gonz085

How long were you guys together Chris?

I know this is a weird answer, but I don't really have one for this. I'm graduating college in December, she's graduating in May. We started talking in March of last spring, and were together until mid May.

She lives about 6 1/2 hours north of me in Minnesota/Northern Wisconsin (long story on why she lives in both places, but both are equally far away), and is on the golf team here at school.

I had just gotten a promotion at work, was working 50-60 hours a week, and she was going to be back and forth between her place an hour away from where I was living and her places back north. Plus she had tons of golf tournaments and nonsense, and she had an internship, so we honestly would have NEVER seen each other over the summer. We both decided to just do our own thing, that we still cared about each other and what not, but that dating wasn't the right thing to do for either of us.

As soon as all that ended, we picked back up talking again in August, started dating almost immediately, but have been faced with the reality that come December I would be getting a full time job, and she would be moving away from the area in May. Which would mean, again, we would never see each other.

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by mbuttercup7

A-freakin-men! I used to have this bad habit, even the Coldplay part. It was realllly hard to get rid of everything, but it does help.


Good luck.

It is REALLY hard to delete everything, especially if you have that whole "something down the road might come about" thing.

But then you log into Facebook to find out that they not only got married, but they are a new parent. Welp, guess I can delete all that shit.

[lockman21]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

It is REALLY hard to delete everything, especially if you have that whole "something down the road might come about" thing.

But then you log into Facebook to find out that they not only got married, but they are a new parent. Welp, guess I can delete all that shit.

[lockman21]

Gonz, to answer your question, I'd say we have a solid, 5 months of being together total? Maybe? About? Maybe a little more?

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by lockman21

To be fair, I'm 150% past it. We split like half a decade ago, and I'm truly happy that he's found happiness. Not exactly the same as your situation. Just sayin'. hahaha

[lockman21]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

To be fair, I'm 150% past it. We split like half a decade ago, and I'm truly happy that he's found happiness. Not exactly the same as your situation. Just sayin'. hahaha

Just funny because that is exactly something that would happen to you.

[wnderwoman]

I see no good reason to remain "friends" with someone you have had a close relationship with. Call me callous or immature but if I have had a true relationship with someone and strong feelings were involved, I don't want to see or hear from them for a LONG time.

Something casual, no problem. But I think exes should just steer clear of each other.

[lockman21]

Originally Posted by wnderwoman

I see no good reason to remain "friends" with someone you have had a close relationship with. Call me callous or immature but if I have had a true relationship with someone and strong feelings were involved, I don't want to see or hear from them for a LONG time.

Something casual, no problem. But I think exes should just steer clear of each other.

I'm 100% with you. No way do I have any relationship with any women I've been serious with/about.

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by lockman21

Just funny because that is exactly something that would happen to you.

Oh, no doubt. my life is pretty much full of this kind of shit.

I'll totally think a guy is into me because he tells me how good I look in something, but come to find out, he not only has a boyfriend, but also the same outfit. FUCK.

[mbuttercup7]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

It is REALLY hard to delete everything, especially if you have that whole "something down the road might come about" thing.

But then you log into Facebook to find out that they not only got married, but they are a new parent. Welp, guess I can delete all that shit.

It's going to get tough with the holidays coming up. Hugs to all of those going through recent breaks.
I still do holidays with my sons dad (yeah, most people think it's weird), but his newly moved in girlfriend will be there this year as well. We made it through Halloween okay....I'm getting really worried about Christmas though.

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by wnderwoman

I see no good reason to remain "friends" with someone you have had a close relationship with. Call me callous or immature but if I have had a true relationship with someone and strong feelings were involved, I don't want to see or hear from them for a LONG time.

Something casual, no problem. But I think exes should just steer clear of each other.

This. I'm friends again with one of my ex's (took my V-card/was my best friend in high school), but we didn't talk for a good, solid decade. Now, we text once in a while and we are starting to rebuild a pretty awesome friendship, but only because we both KNOW that there are absolutely no feelings between us any more.

[mbuttercup7]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

This. I'm friends again with one of my ex's (took my V-card/was my best friend in high school), but we didn't talk for a good, solid decade. Now, we text once in a while and we are starting to rebuild a pretty awesome friendship, but only because we both KNOW that there are absolutely no feelings between us any more.

With my sons dad...we obviously HAVE to talk to each other anyway since we have a child together. So we try to make it as amicable as possible. There are definitely still feelings there which makes it so hard sometimes. If we didn't have to communicate, I'd have cut him out of my life a long time ago.

[wnderwoman]

Originally Posted by mbuttercup7

With my sons dad...we obviously HAVE to talk to each other anyway since we have a child together. So we try to make it as amicable as possible. There are definitely still feelings there which makes it so hard sometimes. If we didn't have to communicate, I'd have cut him out of my life a long time ago.

Ditto for me, but we don't have feelings (at least I don't) but it took many years for it to really smooth out and be normal.

My ex also has a young fiance, which only works my nerves because I don't like having another woman around my son. But she and I have had a few conversations about that and she is very respectful of the hierarchy. Which makes it easier, or else I'd have to run her over with my car. Not kidding though.

[mbuttercup7]

Originally Posted by wnderwoman

Ditto for me, but we don't have feelings (at least I don't) but it took many years for it to really smooth out and be normal.

My ex also has a young fiance, which only works my nerves because I don't like having another woman around my son. But she and I have had a few conversations about that and she is very respectful of the hierarchy. Which makes it easier, or else I'd have to run her over with my car. Not kidding though.

Oh I am soooo with you. Going to school functions together this year was realllllly rough. I had to tell her to step the fuck back. Things have been going pretty well since.

[gonz085]

Originally Posted by lockman21

Gonz, to answer your question, I'd say we have a solid, 5 months of being together total? Maybe? About? Maybe a little more?

Gotchya. I can't imagine having looming 'deadline' of sorts like you seemed to have on being together, but I have to echo the sentiment of others on here. If you want it to work, you'll find a way to make it happen. Life is more enjoyable when you aren't extremely stressed out bout what ifs. That's just me tho

[wnderwoman]

Originally Posted by mbuttercup7

Oh I am soooo with you. Going to school functions together this year was realllllly rough. I had to tell her to step the fuck back. Things have been going pretty well since.

She was calling him pet names like honeybun and sweetheart and on my birthday I found a note in his lunch box saying "Have a great day sweetheart! Love, Jess" I about blew a gasket.

I had to email her on that one...

She has since stopped.

[Dramageek]

Originally Posted by mbuttercup7

It's going to get tough with the holidays coming up. Hugs to all of those going through recent breaks.
I still do holidays with my sons dad (yeah, most people think it's weird), but his newly moved in girlfriend will be there this year as well. We made it through Halloween okay....I'm getting really worried about Christmas though.

Thanks! Today is a rough day for me because I was supposed to be in Disney World with my ex for the rest of the week for her cousin's wedding.

People keep telling me it's good that this happened now before marriages, houses and/or kids were involved, and I have to agree. It still sucks hard though. And I don't intend to be friends with my ex, but I would like to remain on good/professional terms in case we are ever in another theatrical production together again. And that's another thing that sucks, she was a close friend (until she left me for another), and I hate losing friends.

Good luck to you, Lockman. Going separate ways after college is never easy to deal with. I lost a good relationship to that. As hard as it is to accept at this stage, there is always someone else out there. Or so I keep telling myself.

Edit: ^ That reminds me of when my parents started dating other people after getting divorced. I was like 12-13 at the time, but it was still weird as hell.

[dmbgodagirl41]

Originally Posted by wnderwoman

Ditto for me, but we don't have feelings (at least I don't) but it took many years for it to really smooth out and be normal.

My ex also has a young fiance, which only works my nerves because I don't like having another woman around my son. But she and I have had a few conversations about that and she is very respectful of the hierarchy. Which makes it easier, or else I'd have to run her over with my car. Not kidding though.

As a single chick who might (I generally avoid it because of drama or whatever) date someone with a child, I would never try to step in and be "mom" to my guy's kid, it's over-stepping a boundary that should not be crossed. Just because a child's parents are not together doesn't mean both can't be just as effective and it pisses me off when people think that.

I think I would establish more of a friendship role, or someone that he/she can talk to if he/she has problems, but unless I'm married to the dad, I wouldn't step in as mom. I'd have the child call me by my first name, too. Even if I am married to the father, I'd still pretty much just be there for support and a listening ear.

It infuriates me when people, in general, do this.

[wnderwoman]

Originally Posted by dmbgodagirl41

As a single chick who might (I generally avoid it because of drama or whatever) date someone with a child, I would never try to step in and be "mom" to my guy's kid, it's over-stepping a boundary that should not be crossed. Just because a child's parents are not together doesn't mean both can't be just as effective and it pisses me off when people think that.

I think I would establish more of a friendship role, or someone that he/she can talk to if he/she has problems, but unless I'm married to the dad, I wouldn't step in as mom. I'd have the child call me by my first name, too. Even if I am married to the father, I'd still pretty much just be there for support and a listening ear.

It infuriates me when people, in general, do this.

Thankfully, she was not combative when I brought it up to her. Obviously, I can't dictate her behavior but I would never allow a man I was with to do things like that. He has two parents who are very much involved with all facets of his life.

I want someone to be loving towards him and care for him, but there are very clear boundaries in my mind. She and I get along, she is a very nice girl, I think she's just young and it was a stupid thing to do.

[mbuttercup7]

Originally Posted by wnderwoman

Thankfully, she was not combative when I brought it up to her. Obviously, I can't dictate her behavior but I would never allow a man I was with to do things like that. He has two parents who are very much involved with all facets of his life.

I want someone to be loving towards him and care for him, but there are very clear boundaries in my mind. She and I get along, she is a very nice girl, I think she's just young and it was a stupid thing to do.

Couldn't have said it better myself about my own situation.




Side note: Apparently I need to start online dating so I can find myself a sugar daddy.

[Nick@Night]

Originally Posted by mbuttercup7

Couldn't have said it better myself about my own situation.




Side note: Apparently I need to start online dating so I can find myself a sugar daddy.

I can afford to spend 25-30 bucks a month on you. You in?