Dating is miserable

[Rodey]

Originally Posted by redsox14

I think it's great you realized you need to have a conversation about things before it's too late. I'm not sure how old you are but that could definitely play a factor. If you're say 25, she may not think moving in means an engagement is coming but if you're 35 then it may, depending how she feels about marriage. I think the first step is to find out what she wants out of life. Just hearing what she has to say may help you realize what you do or don't want. And as someone else said dont rush into it just because your lease is ending. Can you go month to month even if its slightly higher to buy some more time before a decision needs to be made?

I'm also kind of at the moving in stage but with a different predicament. We will hit 1 year on Friday and have talked marriage and moving in and even retirement plans (I'm 34). So it's not a question of if we are both 100%

Where the problem lies is we both own a house and we both have pets. Neither of us wants to move from our house and my dog doesn't get along with other dogs or cats really so figuring that stuff out is what's holding us up!

I think the bolded is particularly true and we've never really discussed it before. She just turned 27 (I'm 30), so neither of us are super young, but all I do know is that I honestly have no clue what I want. At this point, I probably should, but it just is what it is.

But yeah, I think hearing what she has to say might help. She comes from a pretty traditional family, so I guess my assumption has been that she is in that same realm.

[TheLastStop123]

Originally Posted by Rodey

When those in here moved in with a significant other, what was the conversation you had?

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and are considering signing a lease together, as we stay together almost every night anyway. It's kind of a fast moving process, as we need to make a decision on an apartment relatively soon if we want to get all of the amenities and stuff we want out of it. We're looking at a place in her current building this afternoon and she is pretty gung-ho about the prospect of staying in the same building she currently lives in with her roommate and roommate's boyfriend. I like the building, so I wouldn't mind it either, but something came over me and I had to pause the enthusiasm a bit in regards to the actual process of moving in together.

We've never really sat down and laid it out/talked about it. We've casually discussed it, but that's about it. It also just hit me that moving in is a big step and it can set a precedent. Before leaving for work today, I told her I thought we should talk about whether we're actually ready to move in together and what it means for expectations. She kind of asked what that meant, and I briefly just said that I really am not sure what I want in life and that moving in can set a precedent for marriage, settling down, etc.

So, I guess I just am not sure how to approach this and am nervous to sign a lease because I don't want to set a precedent. It makes sense financially because we're with each other most nights and I love her and spending time with her, I just don't know if I want marriage, kids, settling down in a house with a white picket fence, etc. And I'm not sure what she wants, because she's never really said.

man, I am in the same boat as you, but still probably about a year from this conversation. been with my GF for almost 2 years, we spend usually 5/7 nights together and I'd imagine moving in together is the next step once she finishes dental school in a year.

I'm 27 and long-term commitment like marriage terrifies me beyond belief. Like you said, I love her a lot but I'm not so sure I'm ready for such a big move like that. It just adds so much pressure to everything. And I don't want to fall into society norms and do something just because everyone else my age is doing it. I still have no clue what I want long-term even just in general.

Would love to hear people's thoughts on this as well.

[ToySoldier#34]

It's really important to be transparent and on the same page when moving in, don't do it because you think you are doing what you are supposed to do, make sure it's well thought out together

[Rodey]

Originally Posted by TheLastStop123

man, I am in the same boat as you, but still probably about a year from this conversation. been with my GF for almost 2 years, we spend usually 5/7 nights together and I'd imagine moving in together is the next step once she finishes dental school in a year.

I'm 27 and long-term commitment like marriage terrifies me beyond belief. Like you said, I love her a lot but I'm not so sure I'm ready for such a big move like that. It just adds so much pressure to everything. And I don't want to fall into society norms and do something just because everyone else my age is doing it. I still have no clue what I want long-term even just in general.

Would love to hear people's thoughts on this as well.

In my scenario, we stay together every night and moving in together does seem like a logical step. However, it also feels like it signifies/solidifies something and, when I don't even know what I want, I don't know what kind of impact that would have on things.

I guess like Alli said, things move as quickly as you let them which is probably a good way to think about it.

I think my worry is more of what the message of the act of moving in together means to her and less of how we would do around one another all the time (though I'm sure there will still be challenges there).

[laura22]

Originally Posted by Rodey

When those in here moved in with a significant other, what was the conversation you had?

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and are considering signing a lease together, as we stay together almost every night anyway. It's kind of a fast moving process, as we need to make a decision on an apartment relatively soon if we want to get all of the amenities and stuff we want out of it. We're looking at a place in her current building this afternoon and she is pretty gung-ho about the prospect of staying in the same building she currently lives in with her roommate and roommate's boyfriend. I like the building, so I wouldn't mind it either, but something came over me and I had to pause the enthusiasm a bit in regards to the actual process of moving in together.

We've never really sat down and laid it out/talked about it. We've casually discussed it, but that's about it. It also just hit me that moving in is a big step and it can set a precedent. Before leaving for work today, I told her I thought we should talk about whether we're actually ready to move in together and what it means for expectations. She kind of asked what that meant, and I briefly just said that I really am not sure what I want in life and that moving in can set a precedent for marriage, settling down, etc.

So, I guess I just am not sure how to approach this and am nervous to sign a lease because I don't want to set a precedent. It makes sense financially because we're with each other most nights and I love her and spending time with her, I just don't know if I want marriage, kids, settling down in a house with a white picket fence, etc. And I'm not sure what she wants, because she's never really said.

first think, why do you want to move in with her? if it's purely to save money, i don't think that's a good enough reason or a solid primary reason

it's a good time to reflect where you guys stand and if there will continue to be a solid future as a couple. maybe you don't know what you want, but does she? is there a certain timeline she has but hasn't talked abuot, in terms of wanting to be married, wanting to own a house, wanting to have children? it's important that she fully understands that you don't know what you want, make this clear to her. because if children are a must for her but you're uncertain.... she might be kickin' herself 3 years down the road when you still don't want kids, and she was hoping this whole time that you would change your mind. i think that happens a lot

if you think moving in is the right move, talk about finances/debt/etc

Originally Posted by AllifromOhio

We talked about everything before signing a lease. We have been on a lease together since 1/14 and are not engaged. It only goes as fast as you let it.

[spoot388]

Originally Posted by Rodey

I am glad I thought to suggest the conversation, if for nothing else than to just clear the air on how I am feeling/my perspective.

I truly am not sure what I want out of life in general, let alone my relationship. I am not really worried that we wouldn't make it through, at minimum, a year of living together and am confident we'd enjoy it, but I don't really want to signify anything more than we enjoy each other's company and it makes sense in terms of where we currently are with our relationship.

i never lived together with anyone, but my current roommates moved in together after being together for like a month and a half. ya, crazy quick, but things just fell together as far as timing of some stuff and they went in with some other people to lease a house. they've been together for like a year and a half and have long term plans of buying a house and stuff.

on the other hand there is one of my best friends from back home. he and his girlfriend moved in together after being together for like 2 years and they are currently going on their 8th anniversary this year. they are closing in on common law marriage, which will probably happen before a real marriage with the way they are going. they are looking to buy a house now, but have no intentions of having a wedding any time soon. they've been taking things super slow.

[spoot388]

facebook's "people you may know" section is weird and creepy. yesterday it started showing me this girl and her name sounded familiar but i couldn't remember how i knew her. she used to go to the gym i used to work at. probably haven't crossed paths in 4 years and i completely forgot about her until now. no idea why facebook is now all of a sudden suggesting her as a friend, but god that girl was gorgeous.

also, i need a fake facebook account for work and i get suggestions for all the people i know from work. of all the suggestions, there is only one person from back in pennsylvania that it suggests and its my ex girlfriend. not any of my close friends who i communicate with on a fairly regular basis, its a girl i dated 6 years ago.

[spoot388]

triple post but oh well....

a friend of mine at work is friends with the girl i asked out a few weeks ago. she said that the girl has been going through a lot of shit lately and "just doing her own thing" as my friend put it. she recommended just moving on, which i am, but i told her to let me know if/when things start getting better. that probably wont be for a few months, so i guess its on to match to see if i have any luck there.

[ToySoldier#34]

Met my girlfriend's parents last night and it went extremely well, pumped!

[Bostonsux013]

I have been with a girl for a little over a month now and have met her parents, she has met mine and we have hung out quite often since we first met. However, I noticed that recently we have been hanging out really only in social situations. I know that I have been busy with two jobs and a lot of my night jobs are taking up time to just relax and watch a movie or something like that on weeknight, but its been about 2 weeks since we have hung out with just the two of us. Yesterday she invited me over for an easter brunch with her family so I feel like she must think things are fine but I just find it a little strange that we haven't hung out by ourselves for a couple weeks. I have found that when we do hang out, I have to initiate the plans. After doing it for a few weeks I finally asked her if it was weird that I was always the one asking her to do stuff, and she replied that she really hasn't had a chance to ask because I had been doing all the planning. So over the past few weeks I have tried to wait for her to come up with something, and almost everytime it involves doing something with other people. She hasn't once said 'why don't we just hang out tonight?'

So, maybe i'm over analyzing it, but I just find it to be a bit strange and am wondering if I am not picking up on any clues that she may not be interested in a relationship. When we are together, we feel comfortable with each other and everything seems fine, but for some reason she is a little standoffish.

What do you think?

[Bostonsux013]

welp, she texted me today with a generic text saying basically what I feared was true and that she felt like our relationship was starting to feel more like a friendship. Which is odd considering she invited me to her family's Easter brunch. This one really has me scratching my head but whatever, life goes on I guess...

Originally Posted by Bostonsux013

I have been with a girl for a little over a month now and have met her parents, she has met mine and we have hung out quite often since we first met. However, I noticed that recently we have been hanging out really only in social situations. I know that I have been busy with two jobs and a lot of my night jobs are taking up time to just relax and watch a movie or something like that on weeknight, but its been about 2 weeks since we have hung out with just the two of us. Yesterday she invited me over for an easter brunch with her family so I feel like she must think things are fine but I just find it a little strange that we haven't hung out by ourselves for a couple weeks. I have found that when we do hang out, I have to initiate the plans. After doing it for a few weeks I finally asked her if it was weird that I was always the one asking her to do stuff, and she replied that she really hasn't had a chance to ask because I had been doing all the planning. So over the past few weeks I have tried to wait for her to come up with something, and almost everytime it involves doing something with other people. She hasn't once said 'why don't we just hang out tonight?'

So, maybe i'm over analyzing it, but I just find it to be a bit strange and am wondering if I am not picking up on any clues that she may not be interested in a relationship. When we are together, we feel comfortable with each other and everything seems fine, but for some reason she is a little standoffish.

What do you think?

[Climb2safety]

Originally Posted by Bostonsux013

welp, she texted me today with a generic text saying basically what I feared was true and that she felt like our relationship was starting to feel more like a friendship. Which is odd considering she invited me to her family's Easter brunch. This one really has me scratching my head but whatever, life goes on I guess...

I was going to say just ask her but good move on her part to be upfront.

Life definitely goes on and of you can be friends with her maybe you guys could go out and meet different people.

[Bostonsux013]

We most certainly will. Just very blind sided at the moment.

[Climb2safety]

Originally Posted by Bostonsux013

We most certainly will. Just very blind sided at the moment.

You had your suspicions though and you were right. Those instincts will serve you well buddy.

[Bostonsux013]

Originally Posted by Climb2safety

You had your suspicions though and you were right. Those instincts will serve you well buddy.

I guess the scary thing is that I seemed to have those suspicions but kept telling myself that I was just over thinking it because I do tend to do that at times. This time I was right and because I didn't see it, I feel a little stupid. I guess I'm kinda old fashioned in a sense that even if things are moving a little slow I like to think that a relationship deserves a little more than a month so that peoples nerves have a chance to subside. Others think that if you don't have an immediate connection then it's better to just end it there without ever seeing if it could turn into anything. Neither are right or wrong ways of going about it, but if what she was telling me is true, that I was a great guy and that she really enjoyed hanging out with me, then I kinda wish she would've gave it more of a shot. Then again, maybe she wasn't being entirely truthful. Either way, I'm glad to have found out that she is more of the type to give up without giving much effort because it saved us both that confrontation if and when we had our disagreements.

[Bostonsux013]

I'm in my 20's and if there is anything that I hate about this generation it is the unwillingness to try to stick it out and fight to save their relationship. People have become too self absorbed and always want to blame the other person instead of genuinely trying to resolve issues. This speaks more to the divorced population than it does for those who are single. However, especially when kids are involved, I think my generation doesn't do enough to try to work things out. People get mad and have fights, but if you loved someone enough to get married to them in the first place then there are very few problems that can't be resolved.

[Climb2safety]

I have those same observations dating in my 40s so. There's always another match on deck, another face to swipe, someone else who is emailing you.

For what it's with, it's always the person actually in the relationship to see it for what it really is so don't be too hard on yourself.

[Climb2safety]

Imagination and creativity compensate for only average appearance in men. Women, no such luck.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/creativit...231337481.html

[hmich176]

Originally Posted by Bostonsux013

I'm in my 20's and if there is anything that I hate about this generation it is the unwillingness to try to stick it out and fight to save their relationship.

This is just how it is. People don't need to stick it out and fight to save a relationship if they're not interested in continuing the relationship.

[TheLastStop123]

the unfortunate thing about technology and society today is that if something gets tough or imperfect, the other person can literally just swipe right and be onto someone else in just a few minutes.

[Bostonsux013]

Originally Posted by hmich176

This is just how it is. People don't need to stick it out and fight to save a relationship if they're not interested in continuing the relationship.

Of course you don't need to. But these are the people who go out and get remarried 3 or 4 times. Of course every situation is different, but what makes them think that if they run into problems in one marraige that it won't happen in the next?

Issues always come up, but I think what defines a strong relationship is the ability to fight through them. Again, there are certain things that are irreconcilable, but in general our society has gotten to the point where as someone mentioned above, you can just swipe left to the next face. I think this makes us weaker as a society, and is especially harmful to those with children.

[Climb2safety]

Originally Posted by hmich176

This is just how it is. People don't need to stick it out and fight to save a relationship if they're not interested in continuing the relationship.

Originally Posted by TheLastStop123

the unfortunate thing about technology and society today is that if something gets tough or imperfect, the other person can literally just swipe right and be onto someone else in just a few minutes.

Not everyone is like this but the bottom like is if they are , tell me upfront so I can move on. Not time to be with people like this.

[Climb2safety]

I woke up to a new Capitals coffee mug and a nice card on my doorstep this morning. Wishing us all good luck in round 2.

Pretty sweet, and it had to be ordered so.

[Roose13]

I hope the Caps lose

[Climb2safety]

Originally Posted by Roose13

I hope the Caps lose

Either way, as far as dating goes it's pretty sweet to have a girl to get into it with and that's considerate like this. It's a new feeling for me at least.

[Roose13]

Believe it or not, my fiance, originally from Michigan, didn't like hockey until she started dating me. Now she's a casual Flyers fan.

[Climb2safety]

Originally Posted by Roose13

Believe it or not, my fiance, originally from Michigan, didn't like hockey until she started dating me. Now she's a casual Flyers fan.

I got a cowboys fan rooting for the Caps lol

She's from Dallas.

[Roose13]

She's a Cowboys fan?!?! Ditch her now.

[Climb2safety]

Originally Posted by Roose13

She's a Cowboys fan?!?! Ditch her now.

At my age everyone has their baggage.

[aeroshady]

I love that the NHL thread spilled over into this one haha.