Dating is miserable

[redsox14]

Originally Posted by Speilmen230

Things have slipped into this bizarre sort of in between. I think her friends all think that I'm way into her because we hang out but it obviously isn't the case and she knows that as well. She kissed me a few times since the night I was drunk and couldn't keep my hands to myself but none of it was as heavy as that night.

Don't really know how to approach the situation but to just keep doing my own thing and continuing to be honest about how I feel.

Chick from Nashville that I hooked up with in Louisville back in July is coming up to Cincy for the weekend with a friend for a business seminar thing. They've got a hotel room and she invited me to stay the night Saturday. Most probably will be jumping on board. Still feel kinda like a dick though because the chick from school has no idea she even exists.

Edit: Oh, and things with Houston are just a garbled mess. Trying to remain friends but neither of us really know how to define the line of what is or isn't friendly communication vs emotional communication. Just totally disjointed situation that I don't see improving anytime soon.

Originally Posted by dmbetc

Just very rarely works out that a girl stays cool with just being a cuddle buddy, make out friend. Especially that it is known she wanted something more. At least I think I recall she did. You're already feeling bad about another girl, even though you've been honest with her. She's cool with it until someone else comes in the picture and you start giving her less attention.

Jesse,
Having been the girl in your situation, it sucks. I was in love with a friend for years and he would always say he didn't want a relationship, he would be bad for me and he wished he did want a relationship. We would hook up now and then and were good friends so in the back of my mind I always thought when he's ready for a relationship it'll be me. Or, he'll come around or whatever excuse I could think of for why we weren't officially together. I wasted years waiting for him to come around. I wish rather than being nice and saying it how he did he just straight up said "This is never going to happen." I guess he was trying to be nice and let me down easy but it only led me on (not saying it wasn't partially my fault), whether or not he meant to. So just try to be as straight forward as you can, which it sounds like you are but we hear what we want to hear, so try to not let anything you say be able to be interpreted differently

[redsox14]

I need to go on a date, it's been too long

[aclark0622]

Originally Posted by Rodey

Not getting defensive.

If you think there are issues, bring the issues to the table and don't disguise them as other issues. She never communicated what she was really thinking. The issue in June was about living/staying together, the issue in July was about me looking for more time/other small, personality type things. The issue in July wasn't out of nowhere. We bickered about the small things that led up to it for awhile. The part that she thought it couldn't be worked on was out of nowhere. It's easy to say July should have been the end. And maybe it should have. But when we reconvened to talk after that argument, she said all the right things. And, since then, things had been great, or at least appeared as such. Given all the stressors and where she was in life, I'm not sure how I was supposed to decipher otherwise. Her reasoning made since given everything else. Especially since she knew what I wanted and where I was.

My point is, just communicate clearly. If you're losing interest, you don't placate someone and keep commenting about rings, the future, etc.

Just a general thought but I've found that "there are things I/we need to work on" is really easy to bullshit. Unless you can actively see the work being done, (and you do know when you see it) it's usually just a way to shift responsibility or kick the can down the road.

Admitting there is work to be done followed by a few weeks or months of silence is never a good sign.

[Rodey]

Originally Posted by aclark0622

Just a general thought but I've found that "there are things I/we need to work on" is really easy to bullshit. Unless you can actively see the work being done, (and you do know when you see it) it's usually just a way to shift responsibility or kick the can down the road.

Admitting there is work to be done followed by a few weeks or months of silence is never a good sign.

Oh, I definitely agree.

But that's the thing, since our end of July scuffle, things had been a lot better. I was going over to her place at least once during the week and we were spending most weekends together. When she had a really busy stretch in September (and I know those two weeks were legit), I didn't blink an eye. Honestly, things since our scuffle had been going really well up until probably four or so days prior the to break up.

I actually feel really bad how I let things kind of get messy since last Wednesday. Like, the breakup itself wasn't hostile at all, but things kind of blew up from Friday to yesterday because I kept pressing for answers. Live and learn, I guess.

[gonz085]

I'm sure Alli is right about the guy/girl dynamic being different in terms of texting, but if I had a girl constantly berating me about texting and seeing her when I was legitimately busy my feelings would turn south really quick. That sounds like a pain in the ass. I've kinda thought it since you've started posting that stuff but I figured she may just be different.

[bartender_man]

Originally Posted by redsox14

I need to go on a date, it's been too long

Went on my first one in a long time in August.....Was nervous but refreshing as well. Any prospects?

[redsox14]

Originally Posted by bartender_man

Went on my first one in a long time in August.....Was nervous but refreshing as well. Any prospects?

How did it go?

No real prospects here at the moment.

[bartender_man]

Originally Posted by redsox14

How did it go?

No real prospects here at the moment.

1st date went pretty well but the 2nd did not go well. Cut that situation after that which was fine. Now working on another girl who I am in class with. She is going to take a lot of work though....

[Rodey]

I agreed to meet for beers after work with two different girls tomorrow and Thursday. Strongly considering backing out though. Was texting with them back and forth a bit over the weekend and I just sort of fell into comparing them with my ex and convinced myself they're not going to be great like she was. I know i'm probably looking at it all wrong, I don't know. Might still be too soon. On the flip side, maybe it'll be good to do.

[Speilmen230]

I'd go. Just to get yourself out of the house and into the social circle as a solo guy again will probably do you more good than bad. Even if nothing comes of it, the quicker you get back out there the quicker those comparisons will start to go away.

[tyler3440]

Originally Posted by bartender_man

Went on my first one in a long time in August.....Was nervous but refreshing as well. Any prospects?

Are you getting closer to asking that girl out?

[dmbetc]

Originally Posted by Rodey

I agreed to meet for beers after work with two different girls tomorrow and Thursday. Strongly considering backing out though. Was texting with them back and forth a bit over the weekend and I just sort of fell into comparing them with my ex and convinced myself they're not going to be great like she was. I know i'm probably looking at it all wrong, I don't know. Might still be too soon. On the flip side, maybe it'll be good to do.

But they could be as great, even greater than your ex was. Or not. But you won't know until you try. And you'll eventually find someone who makes you question why you were even with your ex.

I can look back at every past relationship and see they weren't good for me/we weren't good for each other. It takes time but don't let doubt keep you from finding someone great.

[bartender_man]

Originally Posted by tyler3440

Are you getting closer to asking that girl out?

We've hung out with a mutual friend the last three weekends. I'm just waiting for the class to near the end before officially asking. So just building things slowly. I'm pretty excited at the potential.

[tyler3440]

Originally Posted by bartender_man

We've hung out with a mutual friend the last three weekends. I'm just waiting for the class to near the end before officially asking. So just building things slowly. I'm pretty excited at the potential.

good for you man. I think its going to work out. When is the last class?

[tyler3440]

Does she seem to like you when you hang out with her?

[bartender_man]

Originally Posted by tyler3440

Does she seem to like you when you hang out with her?

Have been getting a strong vibe yeah. Class ends real soon. I think I'm in if I play my cards right.

[tyler3440]

Originally Posted by bartender_man

Have been getting a strong vibe yeah. Class ends real soon. I think I'm in if I play my cards right.

stay cool and be yourself.

[bartender_man]

Originally Posted by tyler3440

stay cool and be yourself.

Will do bud

[SmoothG]

Originally Posted by dmbetc

But they could be as great, even greater than your ex was. Or not. But you won't know until you try. And you'll eventually find someone who makes you question why you were even with your ex.

I can look back at every past relationship and see they weren't good for me/we weren't good for each other. It takes time but don't let doubt keep you from finding someone great.

I was following along and going to respond, but this post pretty much nails it.

I guess I have nothing to be miserable about really, but unfortunately no prospects in this small place which sucks. Most backpackers just spend a few days and move on.

[Rodey]

It's just hard.

Ultimately, I will probably just suck it up and hang out with these girls, even though I may not want to. I was honestly ready to give everything to my ex and I think that's what stings the most. We had a really good relationship (and I realize I may have been blind to some signs) and she gave me all of the positive reinforcement that most would hope for. The fact that I was just about ready to start saving for a ring and then she breaks it off really has thrown me off. I loved her so much. I guess, at worst, hanging out for a beer doesn't hurt anything, though.

[redsox14]

Originally Posted by bartender_man

1st date went pretty well but the 2nd did not go well. Cut that situation after that which was fine. Now working on another girl who I am in class with. She is going to take a lot of work though....

At least you got back into the swing of things before asking out the girl you really like Good luck with the second one!

[cazzie34]

Originally Posted by Rodey

It's just hard.

Ultimately, I will probably just suck it up and hang out with these girls, even though I may not want to. I was honestly ready to give everything to my ex and I think that's what stings the most. We had a really good relationship (and I realize I may have been blind to some signs) and she gave me all of the positive reinforcement that most would hope for. The fact that I was just about ready to start saving for a ring and then she breaks it off really has thrown me off. I loved her so much. I guess, at worst, hanging out for a beer doesn't hurt anything, though.

Rodey, I hate to break it to you but she was treating you like a friend. From what I gather you were together over a year and yet only hanging out 3 nights a week (weekends and once during the week). That is pretty noncommittal for a long term relationship.

Also all the stuff regarding the texts and not seeing her for two weeks just goes to show you were an afterthought. She wasn't committed to the relationship.

I've been there before. I loved a girl so much and was just waiting for her to come around and love me as much as I loved her. It never happened. Everything was on her terms. Ultimately she broke up with me. It hurt but I just had to realize she wasn't in to me.

If your ex truly loved you and wanted you in her life she would have made the time for you. 10 minute phone call while at work if working late, text messages, little things like that. She didn't do any of those things. She felt comfortable with you so she went along with the ride for a while.

You are better off finding someone who truly wants to be with you. You'll see the difference once you find it.

[TheLastStop123]

realizing that there is not an equal balance in terms of feelings is one of the worst things. it sucks on both sides of the equation.

[Rodey]

Originally Posted by cazzie34

Rodey, I hate to break it to you but she was treating you like a friend. From what I gather you were together over a year and yet only hanging out 3 nights a week (weekends and once during the week). That is pretty noncommittal for a long term relationship.

Also all the stuff regarding the texts and not seeing her for two weeks just goes to show you were an afterthought. She wasn't committed to the relationship.

I've been there before. I loved a girl so much and was just waiting for her to come around and love me as much as I loved her. It never happened. Everything was on her terms. Ultimately she broke up with me. It hurt but I just had to realize she wasn't in to me.

If your ex truly loved you and wanted you in her life she would have made the time for you. 10 minute phone call while at work if working late, text messages, little things like that. She didn't do any of those things. She felt comfortable with you so she went along with the ride for a while.

You are better off finding someone who truly wants to be with you. You'll see the difference once you find it.

I honestly think she was fully committed to the relationship up until June/early July when she got her own place. Like, she used to stay over at my apartment probably four nights out of the week prior to then. Things kind of went on cruise control at that point, but she was still sacrificing enough to show me that she was committed, and I was a first-person witness to her breakdowns and how stressed she was, so I didn't really have any reason to think it was anything else.

She did text pretty much daily, but there were the random occasions when she didn't (not coincidentally they were both prior to talks). I can't really fault her for the time commitment. I mean, I know she could have said, "hey, I'm leaving work at 10 and going right to bed, but you can come over" and she admitted as much, but I also know I was her first non-long distance relationship and that she only saw her ex of two years on the weekends. So I figured she was still trying to learn how to adapt to someone being closer. I know for a fact she was honest about how swamped she was, but yeah, she could have at least worked in more little moments, which, she was honestly improving on. It's why things caught me off guard. The week prior to the breakup, she was in brief mode and constantly at work until at least 10 every night but took an hour out a couple nights to have dinner with me.

From an outsider's perspective, I can see how everyone here thinks she wasn't into it and that I should have noticed that. But honestly I know that she was. We clicked very well and really were a great fit. Everyone who knew her told me so. I knew what her hangups were and I could tell she was genuinely trying to improve on them. I know she loved me, because when we were together she showed it and verbalized it. I just think her transition into her career threw a sudden wrench in her relationship plans. I'd be surprised if she's in another relationship any time soon, but I could be wrong.

It's just tough. I feel as though everyone has that one relationship that really messes them up. This is mine. She was the perfect combination of looks, personality, motivation, etc. She made me want to stop being content with stuff.

Maybe I missed or subconsciously ignored some warning signs, and that's easy to see when you're watching from afar, but when you're in the middle of it and being told all the right things and someone is showing you that they're really trying, it's hard. I've been through the ringer before and, had I had any inkling that she wasn't fully feeling it, I would have bailed. I'm not at the point in life where I want to let years go by if I don't think I could see myself with someone and vice versa. I mean, I was pretty close here to opening a new bank account to start saving for a ring.

[bartender_man]

Originally Posted by redsox14

At least you got back into the swing of things before asking out the girl you really like Good luck with the second one!

Thank you!!!

[Tiduwho]

Originally Posted by Rodey

but she was still sacrificing enough to show me that she was committed

I can't really fault her for the time commitment. I mean, I know she could have said, "hey, I'm leaving work at 10 and going right to bed, but you can come over" and she admitted as much

but yeah, she could have at least worked in more little moments, which, she was honestly improving on

This relationship has always sounds one-sided. She's the one sacrificing, trying to make it work.

What matters is what you want out of a relationship, not what you can get out of a person that you're currently with. You wanted to move in together correct? What matters is that you did...and she didn't. That's a major major red flag. It's not about a busy schedule, it's about the commitment it signifies. It always is.

The girl wanted to retain her independence. And you wanted to take the next step. When you're out of balance, things aren't going to work. The point is, you wanted something, and then gave in and compromised your feelings to keep the relationship going. That's not the type of compromise that relationships are built on, that's a complete "Your time/job/career/relationship qualms are more important than mine".

If you want to have a happy, balanced relationship life, you have to hold your ground on critical issues (time, living together, communication) or be prepared to end it when the other person doesn't live up to it. Just the fact that she was making sacrifices since June/July? She should want to. It's not about the lemons, it's that you should want to go get the lemons. That's how relationships work out, both people have to want to make time. They have to want to communicate.

[Tiduwho]

I mean, I was pretty close here to opening a new bank account to start saving for a ring.

Here's a question to ask yourself, probably a year later when you are in a different clearer mind:

Why would you buy a ring for someone who was not fully satisfying all of your needs?

Wait until you find someone that you don't have a single doubt about...there should not be ups and downs. You should never have to have a talk with a girl to find out if she's committed or not. Or to ask her to spend more time with you. Words uttered here and there could just be to placate you while she continues her jogging in place on a treadmill.

You certainly shouldn't be buying this type of girl a ring. She chose her career and independence over you back in June/July. Why would you try harder to choose her? Just roll on and find someone else who you'll truly be happy with.

[Rodey]

Originally Posted by Tiduwho

This relationship has always sounds one-sided. She's the one sacrificing, trying to make it work.

What matters is what you want out of a relationship, not what you can get out of a person that you're currently with. You wanted to move in together correct? What matters is that you did...and she didn't. That's a major major red flag. It's not about a busy schedule, it's about the commitment it signifies. It always is.

The girl wanted to retain her independence. And you wanted to take the next step. When you're out of balance, things aren't going to work. The point is, you wanted something, and then gave in and compromised your feelings to keep the relationship going. That's not the type of compromise that relationships are built on, that's a complete "Your time/job/career/relationship qualms are more important than mine".

If you want to have a happy, balanced relationship life, you have to hold your ground on critical issues (time, living together, communication) or be prepared to end it when the other person doesn't live up to it. Just the fact that she was making sacrifices since June/July? She should want to. It's not about the lemons, it's that you should want to go get the lemons. That's how relationships work out, both people have to want to make time. They have to want to communicate.

I believe she did want to, which is why she had become better about doing it up until about three or four days before breaking things off. I don't think I compromised my feelings, either. I learned some things about myself as a result of our July discussion. I realized that having time apart was actually healthy and I learned that I didn't need constant attention. Did I believe it was more important for me to compromise at the time? Absolutely. No regret about it, either. She was going through just about the most stressful periods of time a person can go through. Graduating, getting her first place by herself and entering one of the most demanding professions out there. And she respected that I compromised and, in turn, was compromising as well.

I don't think not being ready to live together, especially when one person hasn't ever experienced living on their own, is a major red flag at all. I probably would have felt similar if I was in the same situation. That and we never really had that discussion. We casually talked about it, but t was never like, "let's move in together." When she was looking for her own place, I mentioned it. Admittedly, even I know that was too soon to live together. At that point we were probably only 6-8 months in. We agreed to legit talk about it when my current lease would have expired.

[Rodey]

Originally Posted by Tiduwho

Here's a question to ask yourself, probably a year later when you are in a different clearer mind:

Why would you buy a ring for someone who was not fully satisfying all of your needs?

Wait until you find someone that you don't have a single doubt about...there should not be ups and downs. You should never have to have a talk with a girl to find out if she's committed or not. Or to ask her to spend more time with you. Words uttered here and there could just be to placate you while she continues her jogging in place on a treadmill.

You certainly shouldn't be buying this type of girl a ring. She chose her career and independence over you back in June/July. Why would you try harder to choose her? Just roll on and find someone else who you'll truly be happy with.

This is a really simplistic way of viewing things given the situation. Had she been firmly established in her career and own her own for awhile and then did the bolded, then yes, I would agree. I have no regrets about the way I handled things from my end and I would do it all over the same way.

[AllifromOhio]

Living with someone is not needing constant attention. Personal time has to be maintained when living together. I actually feel like it's even less constant attention than when dating and going over to the other's house. They are clearing their schedule to see you when that's the case. At a home you share, you can be more relaxed when the other is there if you want.