:rattled
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Florida, Man
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Re: Do you think the Loch Ness monster exists?
I do. It asked me for tree fiddy.
CHEF'S DAD
Say, would you crackers like to hear
about the time we saw the Loch Ness
monster?
STAN
No, that's okay.
CHEF'S DAD
Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight
years ago. Me and the little lady was
out on this boat, you see, all alone
at night, when all of a sudden this
huge creature, this giant crustacean
from the paleolithic era, comes out
of the water.
CHEF'S MOM
We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I
jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas,
what on earth is that creature?!"
THOMAS
It stood above us looking down with
these big red eyes,-
CHEF'S MOM
Oh, it was so scary!
THOMAS
-and I yelled. I said, "What do you
want from us, monster?!" And the monster
bent down and said, "...Uh I need about
tree-fitty."
KYLE
What's tree-fitty?
THOMAS
Three dollars and fifty cents.
CHEF'S MOM
Tree-fitty.
STAN
He wanted money?
THOMAS
That's right. I said "I ain't giving
you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness
monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
CHEF'S MOM
I gave him a dollar.
THOMAS
She gave him a dollar.
CHEF'S MOM
I thought he'd go away if I gave him
a dollar.
THOMAS
Well of course he's not gonna go away,
Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's
gonna assume you got more!
THOMAS
And that was the third time we saw the
Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I
believe it was July-
NELLIE
August.
THOMAS
-August. There's a knock on the door.
I open it, and there's this cute little
girl scout-
NELLIE
And she was so adorable, with the little
pig tails and all.
THOMAS
-And she says to me, "How would you
like to buy some cookies?" And I said
"Well, what kind do you have?" She had
thin mints, graham crunchy things-
NELLIE
Raisin oatmeal.
THOMAS
-Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take
a graham crunch. How much will that
be?" And she looks at me and she says,
"...Uh I need about tree-fitty."
NELLIE
...Tree-fitty.
THOMAS
Well, it was about that time that I
notice that girl scout was about eight
stories tall and was a crustacean from
the protozoic era.
NELLIE
The Loch Ness monster.
THOMAS
I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my
lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!"
It said, "how about just two-fitty?"
I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!!
What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness
munchies or something?!"
NELLIE
Lord, he was angry.
THOMAS
Damn right, I was angry!
NELLIE
Not you, the monster. He was about to
kick your ass.
THOMAS
Aah, shut your mouth, woman!
STAN
Uh, could you just tell Chef we were
here?
THOMAS
Sure. That crazy old monster Now, then
the fourth time I saw the...
THOMAS
Oh, I remember when Chef was just a
three-year-old little man. He came running
up to me with a big smile and his little
chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa,
poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef,
my boy?", and he said, "...I need about
tree-fitty."
NELLIE
...Tree-fitty.
THOMAS
Well, it was about that time I got suspicious.
I said, "Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?"
He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo
the dinosaur wants it." I went to my
son's room, and sure enough, there was
the Loch Ness monster!
NELLIE
Oh, it was scary!
THOMAS
I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging
my children now! We work for our money
in this house and we don't give money
away!"
[the door opens, and the boys enter]
__________________
{Chris}
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